I have been listening to Jesus and Mary’s talks on forgiveness and repentance and thought it was about time I began to forgive my mother for the way she treated me.
I am finding that processing emotions can happen in many different ways. Sometimes an emotion comes up and I can begin crying straight away, other times it takes some time or I completely dismiss the emotion. And then like the other night, I awoke in the morning feeling lethargic, uninterested in anything, wandering around a little like a zombie.
The wandering around like a zombie kept up all day. I talked to myself about the feeling, talked to God about the feeling I had and what did it mean. My resistance to feeling what was going on must have been very strong.
After not sleeping very much, at 3.30am, I went into fear. As usual I just went with what ever came up. So I was calling out ,screaming etc. I then went into anger and went with that, walking around the bedroom with my basher hitting pillows, the bed and the coverings. I became breathless and discovered I was not breathing, stopped till I got my breath back and then went on with the anger. Then at last I began crying.
The thing was I still didn’t feel any better, usually afterwards, going through what happened during the night, I do feel a little better. The emotion that came up when I was crying was what I have been focusing on for some time now, an event in my childhood that was very painful emotionally.
I said to a friend about not feeling any relief after crying and he said it maybe something in me that was preventing God from being able to help me.
So when I came home I had a good think about what I really felt about the punishment of my mother, both physical when a small child and verbal when older. This is what I found out.
- I believed, as a child, I deserved the punishment. I had been told from a very early age I was evil and everything bad that happened was my fault. I still believe, emotionally, what she said.
- I believed that if I took the blame that everything, even if I didn’t know what she was talking about, was my fault the punishment would not happen. And at times if I said it was my fault, punishment did not happen.
- I did not want to believe my family was so dysfunctional.
- I did not want to believe my mother was so cruel and hateful towards me and only me. So I must be to blame.
- I did not want to believe my mother wanted to kill me.
Emotionally I have been carrying the belief that I was to blame and I had a loving family for 72years. Intellectually I have known for many years but I wanted to believe the lies she told me. Ironically I married someone who also believed that everything was my fault. God is trying to help us all the time by the Law of Attraction, I did not listen.
My mother died when I was 34years of age and I wondered why nothing changed. I now understand.
I now know that God can now help me if I give up my emotional belief systems. I also know if I do not give up my emotional beliefs I will remain in fear of being attacked, I will remain in physical pain, I will remain unhappy and I will never be able to forgive my mother. I will also not get very far with repentance.